afraid.

your eyes are swimming pools of
cigarette ash and accusatory tones
dimebag lovers have stars crossed
you get cross, i am too crass for the back of someone’s hand
to meet my face for fear it might
melt children’s plastic toys
under a magnifying glass
when you wake up and you’re an ant
you thought you were made of star parts
but if they got engines
to take them to heaven
you got no oil no more
once you drove to a diner

and he told you he thought you were too soft
butter pad, dish in the sun
and someday you’d go to sleep on purpose
and i am saying you so
my mother does not know my best friend told me
he thought i was so good i’d end my life
we wrote down years on a napkin in my dream
and followed the plot til we realized it was dirt
in a box
with a decaying log in the middle
but that’s besides the point, the topography’s not the thing

i realize i am alone now for the first time in my life
because i am surrounded by silence
even when you are next to me on the couch
i am less afraid of the softness

things i learned in march

1. my father could lift me up and put me on his shoulders

my father can’t lift me up and put me on his shoulders

my father can’t fit me on his shoulders

i’m grounded

feet stay planted

no going out all weekend

no digging out on your knees amongst the weeds

no second story high second landing

shit

janie says we’re all low this winter

my dad tells me to take better care of myself

i take better care myself

better take care myself

2. take care

can’t let go of it

that rot seeps in

got floorboards in your childhood home?

i got more literal

the older i get the more childish i am

meaning i cry louder and stand my ground

so you can put me to bed less easily

but you can tell when i’m lying.

i lie down.

3. men smell blood like sharks

some men eat sharks

i’m a vegetarian living in the midwest

i ate ’em all

keep moving just to stay alive

do sharks ever find their passion?

are they just moving ’cause it’s a thing to do?

4. i was wanted

not from want

i don’t want anything

problem and solution

5. there’s a thing i won’t say here out loud

and my god, does it make me happy

to not hear you too

6. moratorium on morgues and sing alongs

heard my song on the radio

it told me keep singing

i don’t like my voice but

the silence is what swallows you whole