thoughts from my childhood bed

I would be somewhere else if it meant
with you
another man with
no meaning
can’t sleep these days much
I wake with a start to your non-body
and realize it’s my father knocking
on my sister’s door
ten years later I still feel stainless
steel on my wrist
but I remember how it didn’t help
and I don’t want my mother to cry again
remember when I thought us invinceable? uncontrollable? the underdogs for each stolen moment in your bed?
people have stopped asking what it’s like to have won your love
lost the luster when I stopped polishing
lost the bite when I chased it down with more whiskey
lost the whiskey, lost my love
lost the girl I was supposed to be
lost your punching bag and hold gloves
threw them all in the Grand Canyon
though I never been
not a fan of deserts
too many niches to fall into,
prefer the aimlessness of city nights
singing out mathematic equations to remind me of feeling safe in a lover’s studio apartment
did you know the gospels are all letters?
put words I wrote you in a book and wait until I wander
I return when I hear my father knock


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